trust

I realized early on that I couldn't be trusted. Nobody should or could trust me. I couldn't be trusted to make my own bed, to get my own breakfast in the mornings, to shower myself. My mother had to help me with all of it. What a disaster I was, eh?! You would think that a 16 year old girl would be allowed to stay home by themselves  when their parents had a date night, but no, I couldn't be trusted. You must think I'm a real train wreck, but the truth of it all is that it was never ME that couldn't be trusted but that my mom was & is a control freak....to a medical point{if ya know what i am saying....ocd}BUT that was a secret. I had to idea that the problem was with her & not with me. I truly believed that there was something wrong with me, that I must have done something terrible as a little child to have my parents have no trust in me. I felt their tension everytime I was around....worrying about what it is i would do to screw everything up. And I did. I usually screwed something up. If it was spilling grape juice on my dress @ church picnic I was sent home with my dad & missed the whole thing. If it was wanting to have my window down in the back seat of the car, then we would usually have to turn around, because I made my mom SO upset that we couldn't go anymore. If i spilled something on the floor I would watch my mother frantically grab the vacuum cleaner while cursing me out the whole time.  I spent my whole childhood confused & lied too. Nothing was as it seemed. And lettme tellya it sure as hell screwed.me.up. Once I moved out @ 17, I figured this was my chance to get my own life, but my head was clouded and what seemed right was usually wrong. Everything seemed so black or white. I couldn't see the gray. I was scared all the time of making the wrong choice. Second guessing everything. And this is when I made alot of mistakes. Most of my regrets lie in the 17-20 age range & if I could get those years back I would do it all different. All of it. But I can't those years, so I'm going to write about them here. What happened during those years. What I wish could have happened. Ooo how I wish things could be different. I'm going to put it all down here & hopefully start to feel......relief??