Thirsty Thursday

On Friday{one more sleep} I am going to a pub with some girlfriends. I am the "new friend" in the group & after plenty of playdates, birthday parties, & trips to the playground I am so ready to relax & have a couple with these awesome ladies. And this my friends, is exactly what I'll be ordering....

say it with me...mojito

I could almost drink it off my computer screen I am so excited to taste one of these puppies. I wish I could tell ya how to make one {it does have spiced rum, mint leaves, sugar & lime juice}& I have had me a many, made by many different people but no one makes a better mojito then my gf's husband, & he swears it because he grows his own mint. Who knows....he wont be making it tomorrow night but I know it will still taste good. 

As happy as I am to be having a couple drinks I'm also excited for grown women conversation girl talk. Helloooo, I spend my days with kids 5 & under & a husband & well you know...I crave me some girltime & it's been awhile. So YAY for this. And the sun shines in

A release

I'm sorta feeling kinda weird that this blog here, is seeming a little dark lately. But you know what, that's kinda what I want. No lie, my other blog is yellow & very girly & totally represents the life that I have with my children, the good the the better & the best ...does that make sense? I HAVE A GOOD LIFE. I do. I just have this other side of me... effects from my past, I guess...straight up I'm a one of those "different kinda chicks". I am not your typical cookie cutter girl. But I was a raised a cookie cutter girl, and that, my friends, can really screw mess a girl up. I have always felt like the odd one out, & that's because I was. What's confusing, is I didn't really fit the "mold"...who sets that mold anyway, tellme tellme... I was outgoing, pretty enough, there was just something about me that was different. My first really memory of realizing  this is in grade 5. We were voting for class student council representative and I wanted it so bad. I had my dad help me write up this very impressive speech{make lots of eye contact Sassy, smile, be comfortable}. It was 2.5 minutes long & I love it so much I had it memorized when it came my tun to speak. There were only 2 of us running for it, me & another girl~kinda a friend~I went first. I said it perfectly, didn't fumble a word. The other girl went next & she said "my name is mandy...vote for me" & everyone laughed. We voted immediately afterward, & everyone in the whole class voted for her. I had one vote...my vote.Thinking back now, this must have been the first time I ever used "the mask"....I remember clapping for her & smiling. I looked no one in the eye. I sat & prayed for school to be over so I could get on that yellow bus & get the hell home. Except at home, I would have to tell HIM, that his speech didn't work. I must have done something wrong. It's okay, I didn't really care anyways. I cried that whole night. Next morning I got on that yellow bus that took me back to a group of people who I now knew didn't like me and you know what I did.... I smiled with them, ate lunch with them & just pretended I didn't know. That it didn't happen. Because what was I  suppose to do anyways, they were the only people I new in the world. I just really really wondered what it was about me, that made not even one of them vote for me....the first one to go

Sad Sassy

I am a happy person. But someone lives inside of me & has for years

This sad little girl is a part of me. We have been friends forever. I'm the only one who knows she exists & why she is so sad. I understand that she had great hopes in life, & that she feels she could never accomplish them. She's sad cuz she's alone & ignored. Even I ignore her. Let's face it, everyone is much more comfortable with happy, smart-mouthed Sassy, no one wants to have anything to do with a sad Sassy. No one. Not even me. So I buried her down there deep. Told her she can be sad all she wants, for all I care. Just don't effect my life. I'm not ready to deal with you, & I don't know if I ever will be. Ever. So, she stayed pretty far away, kept her distance pretty good. She watched me graduate from university, she watched me fall in love, & she watched me have my babies & get married. She never said a word, or shed a tear. She let me live my life & tried to stay out of the way. BUT  she's sick of it know. She wants attention. She wants answers. She wants to know why it has been okay to be allowed to be sad for this long...and you know who she wants her to help her with this? ME. FREAKING ME. I don't want to do this right now....am I not busy enough raising two toddlers & trying to keep my marriage going?? But she insists it has be dealt with now. She wants me to somehow integrate the saddest part of me into my happy life...and it scares the hell out of me. If I am being honest though, I know I have to. It's the only way I will be able to live a complete & happy life. That's what I want more then anything in the world....to live a complete & happy life...so I say bring it on sad Sassy, let's work this out. I'm ready if you are.

trust

I realized early on that I couldn't be trusted. Nobody should or could trust me. I couldn't be trusted to make my own bed, to get my own breakfast in the mornings, to shower myself. My mother had to help me with all of it. What a disaster I was, eh?! You would think that a 16 year old girl would be allowed to stay home by themselves  when their parents had a date night, but no, I couldn't be trusted. You must think I'm a real train wreck, but the truth of it all is that it was never ME that couldn't be trusted but that my mom was & is a control freak....to a medical point{if ya know what i am saying....ocd}BUT that was a secret. I had to idea that the problem was with her & not with me. I truly believed that there was something wrong with me, that I must have done something terrible as a little child to have my parents have no trust in me. I felt their tension everytime I was around....worrying about what it is i would do to screw everything up. And I did. I usually screwed something up. If it was spilling grape juice on my dress @ church picnic I was sent home with my dad & missed the whole thing. If it was wanting to have my window down in the back seat of the car, then we would usually have to turn around, because I made my mom SO upset that we couldn't go anymore. If i spilled something on the floor I would watch my mother frantically grab the vacuum cleaner while cursing me out the whole time.  I spent my whole childhood confused & lied too. Nothing was as it seemed. And lettme tellya it sure as hell screwed.me.up. Once I moved out @ 17, I figured this was my chance to get my own life, but my head was clouded and what seemed right was usually wrong. Everything seemed so black or white. I couldn't see the gray. I was scared all the time of making the wrong choice. Second guessing everything. And this is when I made alot of mistakes. Most of my regrets lie in the 17-20 age range & if I could get those years back I would do it all different. All of it. But I can't those years, so I'm going to write about them here. What happened during those years. What I wish could have happened. Ooo how I wish things could be different. I'm going to put it all down here & hopefully start to feel......relief??

Here it goes, i guess

I  have another blog{one that i have neglected lately, like big time}in which I post about my happy life{only family from afar reads it or even knows of it}. Because my life is....happy. I think. I have kids that I adore, I'm married to a man who works hard, provides for us. We have a nice home, with a big screen tv...ha!right, if only those material things made ya happy, I have no doubt then I would be a very  happy person. But those things are not the things that make ya happy, & we all know it. My kids. My kids make me happy. They stress the hell out of me at times, but mostly I feel pure joy around them & have since the very first moment they arrived inside my belly. Love. Love makes me happy. But I have big issues with love..from way back... Like I'm talkin childhood issues, friends. Nothing overdramatic, or horrible, just a lot of stuff that doesn't make sense...It all come out here, wait for it...Since becoming a mother I have found my self haunted by weird ass memories that really do not add up to me. My parents are the very tight lipped catholics, & somehow have managed to wear rose colored glasses during my childhood & never have any clue what I am talking about when I try & air a little dirty laundry to figure some shit stuff out. They deny. It's easier for me them to do that. I get that. But it's not easier for me. And I need to start dealing with it. This is what this blog will be for me. 8 minutes to write, bring up, vent, whateverthehellitisthatwillwork, I will try & do it on this blog. For 8 minutes. Then I am going to let it go. Move on. Leave it here instead of my in soul where it is harming me. Leave it for someone to read if they like, mostly i'm leaving it to validate myself, somehow. To live as a complete person, on the happy side:)

*****If at any time anyone is reading & something clicks with them, please let me know. And if you ever need 8 minutes to do or say whatthehellitisthatwillwork then they space is for you too. Much love.