A release

I'm sorta feeling kinda weird that this blog here, is seeming a little dark lately. But you know what, that's kinda what I want. No lie, my other blog is yellow & very girly & totally represents the life that I have with my children, the good the the better & the best ...does that make sense? I HAVE A GOOD LIFE. I do. I just have this other side of me... effects from my past, I guess...straight up I'm a one of those "different kinda chicks". I am not your typical cookie cutter girl. But I was a raised a cookie cutter girl, and that, my friends, can really screw mess a girl up. I have always felt like the odd one out, & that's because I was. What's confusing, is I didn't really fit the "mold"...who sets that mold anyway, tellme tellme... I was outgoing, pretty enough, there was just something about me that was different. My first really memory of realizing  this is in grade 5. We were voting for class student council representative and I wanted it so bad. I had my dad help me write up this very impressive speech{make lots of eye contact Sassy, smile, be comfortable}. It was 2.5 minutes long & I love it so much I had it memorized when it came my tun to speak. There were only 2 of us running for it, me & another girl~kinda a friend~I went first. I said it perfectly, didn't fumble a word. The other girl went next & she said "my name is mandy...vote for me" & everyone laughed. We voted immediately afterward, & everyone in the whole class voted for her. I had one vote...my vote.Thinking back now, this must have been the first time I ever used "the mask"....I remember clapping for her & smiling. I looked no one in the eye. I sat & prayed for school to be over so I could get on that yellow bus & get the hell home. Except at home, I would have to tell HIM, that his speech didn't work. I must have done something wrong. It's okay, I didn't really care anyways. I cried that whole night. Next morning I got on that yellow bus that took me back to a group of people who I now knew didn't like me and you know what I did.... I smiled with them, ate lunch with them & just pretended I didn't know. That it didn't happen. Because what was I  suppose to do anyways, they were the only people I new in the world. I just really really wondered what it was about me, that made not even one of them vote for me....the first one to go